"Am I Enough?"

I had a hard weekend with the kids.  Tommy was grumpy...I finally figured out (Monday night) that his one year molars are coming in.  Annie has started asking "Why?" to everything!  And Lily has been emotional because preschool is over and she misses her teacher and friends.  Every time I tried to accomplish something in the house or garden on Saturday, one of the kids needed me.  Sunday morning was a crying festival as we tried to get out the door for choir practice.  Sunday night, Tommy woke me up four times and two times I had to stay up with him trying to comfort him until he fell asleep again.  By Monday morning I was tired of the crying - and ready to cry myself.  I was exhausted from a night of minimal sleep.  I had a whole bunch of errands to run and three cranky kids and a grumpy Mommy to wrangle around town.  By the time Jeremy came home Monday night.  I felt defeated.  I had managed to remain kind and calm with the kids that day but the house was a mess, dinner was not ready, I hadn't showered, no make up, two out of three kids were crying, and I was supposed to plan and give our Family Home Evening lesson for the night.  I cried in his arms and talked about my feelings of failure.  We somehow managed to get through the evening and get the children happily to bed.  

When I could finally get to bed, I prayed my heart out to the Lord and was stilled and comforted by the Spirit.  I woke up ready for a new day today!  This morning a friend of mine posted the following article online and it summed up my recent feelings and experience perfectly.  I wanted to post it here as a reminder to myself; and to show our kids that Mom had bad days.  Too often our blog focuses on just the good memories.  I want our kids to see how I felt in the hard times too, and her words were just perfect.

"Am I Enough"  http://barrentobeautiful.wordpress.com/2014/05/23/am-i-enough/

"This week my husband walks in the door after a long day at work to find: dishes piled in the sink, laundry all over the living room, the beef for dinner still in a frozen block, and me…looking like Frump Queen. He is gracious. And tells me to take a nap. I instantly obey. (Inwardly rejoicing.) And while I am sleeping for 45 minutes, he manages to clean the whole house…while watching our daughter. (A feat I clearly was incapable of accomplishing today. Many days.)

One part of my feels grateful the house is clean. I can relax now, right? But the other (bigger) part of me feels guilty and defeated. He just worked the whole day at his job, and then came home and did mine, too. Isn’t this why I am staying home? 

Every day I have this desire to accomplish something. But every day it feels I accomplish nothing. I try to clean something, but I don’t finish. I want to do a house project, make my space more beautiful, but all those gorgeous pics on Pinterest look like something from another world. Not mine. I leave to buy something, but roam aimlessly around in the store. Nothing to bring home. I try to write, but this little person cries for all of my attention when I sit at the computer. I clip coupons and price match, and still go way over on our budget. Agh. At the end of the day, there’s nothing to show for the last 9 hours of exhausting effort. Of doing what? 

When it feels I didn’t accomplish Super Tidy Housewife, or Spiritual Sage, or Fun Mommy, or Adoring Wife, or Betty Crocker, or the Likeable Friend…when I’m none of those titles, and all the opposites..
I have to wonder: “Am I enough?“
I lay my head on the kitchen table, cheek against wood, and cry. I want my days to be of worth. But feel like they are all so: Unsuccessful.

As I lay, frozen, I hear a whisper, my daughter’s whisper:

Dear Momma,
Do you remember the nights you cried on the bathroom floor in the dark? When the pregnancy tests sat negative in the trash can? Remember when my nursery was just a storage room? A place for you and Daddy to throw your junk? Remember how you longed to brush my hair with your fingers, to sing me lullabies, to hold me close? And now I’m here. 
Am I enough?
When there’s dishes in the sink, and your skinny jeans sag from all the bending, and dinner’s ingredients still sit on the shelves of the supermarket, because your days are full, full of me. Am I worth your attention? Am I an accomplishment?
Am I enough?
You kept me safe today Momma, you kept me alive. You kept me fed, and rested. You played with me, and made me laugh. Does that count Momma? Am I one of your goals Momma? Just to be together? Even if no one sees it? Or knows it?
Am I enough?
Tell me Momma, did you think I’d be different? Did you hope I’d be different? Do you see me? I’m right here Momma, the answer to your sobbing prayers. But now that I’m here, is there something else you want Momma, to feel good? Do I make your day count Momma?
Am I enough?

And suddenly, the voice changes. My heart wrenches. The Spirit of God begins to whisper, making the table under my wet cheek feel more like the chest of God. And suddenly I know He’s near.

Do you remember when I said, “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for Me?” (Matt. 25:40) “And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward?” (Matt. 10:42) Do you not see it here Child? 
All these days you live at home to serve this fragile girl, what you really are doing is serving Me. For whatever you do unto her, you do unto Me. So let me ask you:
Am I enough?
What is My worth to you? In the secret places, where no one sees? Look deeper Dear One.
Can you find Me in this place? In her face?
Every diaper, every clean, dry pair of clothes,
cups of water, Cheerios, all the laughter, every tear,
each soothing whisper in her ear.
In doing so, you so clothe Me, feed Me, hear My cry,
soothe Me with your lullaby.
If all you do is spend your days, yourself, on Me...
Am I enough?"

Her experience of crying at the table and Daddy coming to the rescue was exactly how I felt - minus the 45 minute nap the author got - Monday night.  Now that I'm swimming in three children, the busyness can be dizzying.  I feel like there's never enough of me.  I feel like I am not "accomplishing" anything.  I know I need to slow down and enjoy these days more.  I too often forget the painful years of emptiness I felt before Lily was born as I am swallowed in the fullness of constant work and three children who need me for nearly everything.  I am going to try hard this summer to be more present with my children - especially while they still want me and need me.  I need to spend more time on them - they are enough!